Hard Limits and Soft Limits

Before you have a session with a Domina, take time to write down your hard limits and soft limits. Hard limits are those things that you absolutely never want to do (involve animals, draw blood, permanent body damage, death, etc.) For some men that might include anal penetration or interaction with other men. And know the difference between terms – “edge play” includes things like guns, knives, razors, piercing, body hooks, branding … while “edging” means getting close to orgasm and backing off before cumming. Soft limits are those things that (if you trust your Domina) you would allow Her to do but knowing that they would cause you bodily or emotional distress (perhaps being pegged or humiliated in public). This is probably one of the most important discussions you can have with your Domina prior to a session, so take your time to really think about these things and write them down so they can be discussed and agreed upon.

The Service to Suffering Scale

Submissives can be found all along the continuum of the service to suffering sliding scale.

It is the Dominant’s responsibility to delicately move you along the scale to help you find your edges and limits.

It is the submissive’s responsibility to explore the scale and discover the heart of your true nature and where it lies.

At one end is the submissive who finds pleasure in giving service; in providing for the Dominant’s every need even before She requires it. These submissives are usually people pleasers and truly enjoy pleasing and bringing pleasure to their Mistress.

At the other end of the scale, is the masochist who enjoys suffering and the pleasure that that brings to a sadistic Mistress. masochists usually have some level of self loathing and often enjoy humiliation*.

On the ego scale, service submissives tend to be very humble and have very little ego. While masochists, again, are on the other end of the scale with a great deal of ego and focus on what they get from the sessions rather than what they give.

This is not a judgment, it is simply what is and what defines different types of submissives and different submissive natures. All submissives, of course, want to be dominated.

So contemplate this. As your Mistress skillfully pushes you up and down the “service to pain” scale until you find that resting place where you feel most comfortable and at home.

*Note: The statement is based on a decade of My personal experience and interaction with male submissives – it may not represent a scientifically researched profile.

Sex Slave or Slut?

A peacock is a bird of a different color … but still a bird.

During the course of My submissive training, men explore the different types of submissiveness and determine which type best defines their fetish(es). Not surprisingly, about 85% of men say “sex slave” or “slut”.

Both love sex and to serve sexually. So what is the difference between a sex slave and a slut?

Sexual slavery in a BDSM relationship refers to a submissive person consenting to a Dominant person (also called a slave Owner or the Master or Mistress) treating the submissive as their slave, i.e., their property. Sexual slavery in a BDSM context is a sexual fantasy or sexual roleplay. The slave Master or Mistress might be any person or group, though the majority of such relationships are usually either one Dominant, or a committed Dominant couple, owning one or more slaves. A sex slave and the Owner, and others involved in the relationship, can be of any gender, sexual identity, or orientation.

In BDSM, a slave is a specific type of submissive. Not all submissives are slaves, though all slaves would normally be considered submissive in the relationship.

Sexual slavery is a consensual exchange of power by the submissive to the Dominant, though the scope of the surrender may be limited and may be withdrawn at any time.

The types of activities that the sex slave may be expected to perform are usually defined in advance and sometimes spelled out in a slave contract – a document that outlines the desires, limits, and expectations of the parties. The sex slave is often expected to perform sexually, though typically many relationship-oriented dynamics are also clearly negotiated, including clothing, diet, speech restrictions, household affairs and schedules. Typically outlined are clear expectations of whether the couple will be monogamous or polyamorous, and if there would be permission or expectation of sexual interaction with other people. Otherwise, a sex slave may be expected to perform many of the same functions that are expected of a slave/submissive, including wearing very revealing clothes (or none at all), being shared, wearing a slave collar or leash, S&M activities, or bondage.

The duration of the slave relationship may vary from a few minutes, as in a scene, to a lifetime commitment. Depending on T/their contract, a sex slave may be traded by the Master, facilitated by sex club events, personals in BDSM interest magazines or internet-based social networks. Commonly, a slave is also said to be a collared slave, though not every slave wears a physical slave collar. Serious lifestyle enthusiasts register the slave in The Slave Register (www.slaveregister.com).

A slave who has satisfied the duration of the negotiated time of service is expected to be released, unless a new duration of service is negotiated. A slave may at any time withdraw consent to the relationship; effectively nullifying the slave relationship.

Slut is a slang term in the BDSM, polyamorous, and gay and bisexual communities. With BDSM, polyamorous, and non-monogamous people the term has been used as an expression of choice to openly have multiple partners, and revel in that choice: “a slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.” A slut is a person who has taken control of their sexuality and has sex with whomever they choose, regardless of religious or social pressures or conventions to conform to a straight-laced monogamous lifestyle committed to one partner for life. The term has been “taken back” to express the rejection of the concept that government, society, or religion may judge or control one’s personal liberties, and the right to control one’s own sexuality.

That said, a BDSM slut often enjoys humiliation – a Dominant who taunts the slut with typical societal stereotyping and guilt regarding their sexual openness and promiscuity. Generally, the agreement with a submissive slut is a more casual relationship than the formal slave arrangement, i.e., scene-oriented rather than life-style oriented.

Basically it comes down to push/pull. In essence, the sexual slave likes to be controlled and “forced” to perform sexually (pushed) and the slut likes to be humiliated for their wanton desire for sex (pulled back).

How Does a Novice Male Submissive Get Started?

Of course, the first thing I would say is to get properly trained in the basics. Don’t waste your time or the Domina’s time with behavior that will not result in a BDSM relationship.

Many male submissives appear to just want an extended teasing/sexual gratification session for themselves. But for most Doms, Male and Female alike, it is a complete turn-off to be told by a prospective submissive that they “really want to serve You,” only to have that offer followed immediately by the grovellingly hopeful statement that the submissive would love to lick and worship Your pussy “if  You so choose.”

This is crude! And the minute you grovel or say something just to satisfy your own humiliation desires or your desire to talk about the things that get you off, you are implicitly forcing the Person you are negotiating with into a position of Domming or Topping you without that person ever agreeing to do so!

(By way of comparison: When female submissives approach male Doms, they don’t start off by saying what they really want is to be forced to suck the Dom’s cock. Even if that’s exactly what they are hoping for!) And walking up to a Woman you’ve never met who is hotly dressed in leather at a party and asking Her if you can lick Her boots is even more crass.

If sexual activity is you want, it is much classier to let the Top/Dom suggest activity involving the genitals rather than leaping in sentence number 2 to what gets you off. It is not wrong to want such things; but Females are so besieged by males whose second sentence is what is going to get them off sexually that you can distinguish yourself greatly by realizing that direct genital stimulation or visibility would be up to
the Top/Dom in any actual scene.

It’s kind of a foregone conclusion that most males, vanilla or BDSM, will not turn down sexual activity from a Female they are attracted to. If you are the rare person who does not hope for direct sexual activity to be part of your play, you will in fact get a lot of points from volunteering that information!

One of the most hotly desired types of male submissives are those who will actually do service, like clean the house, without making it obvious that they are really just tolerating cleaning the house until they can get home and jack off. A male submissive who sincerely enjoys the submission of doing the services the Domina wants is more likely to entice his Mistress into doing something to gratify him, whether that
gratification is in the form of punishment or reward!

You can’t and shouldn’t try to make yourself into this kind of person if that’s not what gets you off. But if it is what you are looking for, you will find partners soon enough. And if you are the more common variety of male who is daydreaming about the sexual part, try to calm down until you get to sentence 20 or so. : ) Or better still, until the Domina asks about it!

Second, many male submissives assume that any Domina they meet is going to be into hearing whatever their particular fetish is, and will want to get right to the point of telling Her what it is – Now. But there is a matching process involved in finding a partner for any relationship, vanilla or BDSM; and that takes time whether you are male or Female.

If you want to find a BDSM relationship, step one is to be respectful, courteous, and educated. Step two is to talk or meet in-person and see if Y/you have a connection; if Y/you get along – have common values and desires.

Slow down, be patient, and remember how long it takes to find a vanilla relationship. It will take even longer in BDSM if only because fewer people do it, and an even a smaller percentage of those who do it are “out” enough to make themselves easily found. And finally, because the matching process is more involved in BDSM, with so many different variants of what people enjoy.

So be yourself, look for connection first, don’t give up for six months or a year or even more. you will have mismatches, disappointments, and failures, but keep trying and something even better will eventually show up. Know that you will learn something of value from everyone you engage with – even if it isn’t a lasting relationship. That’s the way most relationships in your life happen; and BDSM is no
different.