Impact Play – Abuse?

Paddles, floggers, whips and canes (oh my!) … when does consent stop and abuse begin? One “rule” in BDSM play is never play when you have been drinking or taking drugs; not only is your judgment impaired, but so are your reflexes and accuracy of aim. Most impact toys have a place on the body to strike that is a “safe zone”; miss that location and you could do permanent bodily harm. No one signs up to have sciatic pain the rest of their lives. Perhaps your Master has not been “partaking” but is in an angry emotional state; again, judgment is impaired and play should immediately stop. Submissives, you have the right to use your Red safe word. Do it, when consent crosses the line into abuse. (Now, I know this is easier said than done, so the best time to address it is in your contract with your Mistress/Master BEFORE play ever begins.) Have fun and be safe.

Do You Identify as an Innocent?

A growing segment of the BDSM community is the realm of ageplay. It ranges from adult baby diaper lovers (ABDL), littles, middles, Mommy/son, to Daddy/daughter. But also in the mix of ageplay are pets … Alpha/cub/kit/colt …

Human ageplay may or may not include a sexual element and it may or may not include a nurturing element. Daddy might be pampering his princess, Son might be dominating His mommy, Mommy might be humiliating Her daughter or lovingly changing her diaper … babies might want non-sexual nurturing, middles might want Mommy to teach Her tween about sex … the combinations are as unique as each of us.

But let’s get back to the pet ageplay. This group seems to adore the playful/innocent space. It seems easier to be a young animal and be very playful and innocent (think of the mischievous sweetness of a little puppy or kitten). A young human is often times looked at as naive rather than innocent. Not so easy for a cuddle bunny to be naive … easier to be innocent.

So if you find yourself wanting to be playful, joyful and light in your spirit … you may be identifying as an innocent. Expressing yourself as an innocent may help your partner to understand your space better.

Your Arousal Language

You’ve heard of the five love languages (no?! get studying!), well now there are five arousal languages for you to sort out. And these are critical to your effectiveness as a good lover!

1. Sexual – you are aroused by naked bodies, POV videos, porn, and are most likely to want to immediately “get it on” – no messing around with foreplay for this arousal type.
2. Kinky – you are turned on by anything taboo … that’s right, BDSM, pain, poop, piercings … Daddy/baby girl, all that “naughty” stuff.
3. Sensual – romance, bubble baths, candles, feathers, foot rubs (rubbing other “parts”), lots and lots of foreplay. As a matter of fact, foreplay is the “meat” of your arousal meal.
4. Energetic – you crave intense eye contact, connection, tantra, teasing, and you are super sensitive … no overactive/firm touching for you. Slow and easy does the trick.
5. Shape Shifter – you need all of the above. Insatiable, ever needing variety and eager to please your partner with any of the above methods because you crave them all.

And just to be clear, guys and gals can be any of the above. Don’t assume all women are sensual and all men are sexual … no, no, no … you would be making a grave mistake about your lover. ASK or try each one and see where your partner responds!

Hard Limits and Soft Limits

Before you have a session with a Domina, take time to write down your hard limits and soft limits. Hard limits are those things that you absolutely never want to do (involve animals, draw blood, permanent body damage, death, etc.) For some men that might include anal penetration or interaction with other men. And know the difference between terms – “edge play” includes things like guns, knives, razors, piercing, body hooks, branding … while “edging” means getting close to orgasm and backing off before cumming. Soft limits are those things that (if you trust your Domina) you would allow Her to do but knowing that they would cause you bodily or emotional distress (perhaps being pegged or humiliated in public). This is probably one of the most important discussions you can have with your Domina prior to a session, so take your time to really think about these things and write them down so they can be discussed and agreed upon.

ED Drugs

So … you need a little extra boost? your doctor doesn’t explain it real well. He/She just prescribes something. Well in My experience, and in the broad view … Viagra – works fast(within the first 30 minutes) and ends fairly quickly (after 3 hours or so). But you will rock a fuckin’ granite busting hard hard-on 🙂 and probably a fuckin’ headache … Levitra – works within 30 minutes and the effects last about 6 hrs. But you won’t be as rock sold as with Viagra … Cialis – works within 30 minutes and the effects last about 24 hrs (your hard-on doesn’t! there is a daily dosage version of Cialis if you fuck daily) … so do your homework and decide what will work best for you. Educate yourself so you can ask your doctor specific questions.

Which V is it?

Damn it people – know the difference between a vagina and a vulva. Use the correct term for the anatomy you are talking about, stroking, or licking. Pet peeve.

Is Porn Really Turning Us into Craven Sexless Zombies?

OK … I am just paraphrasing this article for you … and have a few comments of My own, based on My empirical research. I, personally, DO find that young men (18-32) seem (underlined) to have an issue based around porn. FROM MY EXPERIENCE, these young men who grew up watching porn in their sexually formative years (10-17) DO INDEED have trouble connecting intimately with girls. They PREFER to masturbate to porn than to have sexual intercourse with a real person (too much work, physically and emotionally). AND, it is f*cking scary for them to be vulnerable/intimate with another person.

This is an area of work that I specialize in and support young men in overcoming porn addiction and opening up to being intimate with another human being.

However, research (underlined), shows:

• porn actually has far more positive than negative effects
• that it’s only problematic for a minority of users
• studies haven’t found that men who use more porn have more erectile difficulties
• there’s no evidence that greater usage of porn is contributing to more sexual violence

Here’s the full article:

http://www.vice.com/read/the-hard-data-on-what-porn-is-really-doing-to-humanity

What is your view/experience?

What About Love?

Are BDSM relationships all about Dominance/submission, humiliation and pain? Or can actual love exist in the relationship?

Too often, people envision the D/s relationship as weird, perverted or deviant. But what actions develop the emotion of love? Open and honest communication, trust and vulnerability and the sharing of deep emotions.

Within a BDSM relationship, communication and trust are paramount. Each communicate their needs, wants, and fantasies. Each clarifies what they want based on the other’s questions about it. A scene is envisioned and then one must give control to the other. In reality, both open themselves to being vulnerable.

Intense emotions often emerge, and each must rely on the other to recognize them, deal with them, and provide aftercare to nurture the raw feelings that come forward. Don’t fool yourselves. Aftercare, is just as important for the Dominant.

Everyone structures relationships according to their needs. So do strictly “play partner” BDSM relationships exist? Absolutely. Does love reside there? Maybe/maybe not. That structure is casual and may not involve deep feelings of love. But Master/slave, Dominant/submissive, Alpha/little, Daddy/babygirl, Mommy/son, etc. relationships that are 24/7 lifestyle relationships often DO involve deep feelings of love and commitment.

So don’t worry that engaging in a BDSM lifestyle means the end to true love. It just might be the beginning of the most loving relationship you have ever been in.

How Does a Novice Male Submissive Get Started?

Of course, the first thing I would say is to get properly trained in the basics. Don’t waste your time or the Domina’s time with behavior that will not result in a BDSM relationship.

Many male submissives appear to just want an extended teasing/sexual gratification session for themselves. But for most Doms, Male and Female alike, it is a complete turn-off to be told by a prospective submissive that they “really want to serve You,” only to have that offer followed immediately by the grovellingly hopeful statement that the submissive would love to lick and worship Your pussy “if  You so choose.”

This is crude! And the minute you grovel or say something just to satisfy your own humiliation desires or your desire to talk about the things that get you off, you are implicitly forcing the Person you are negotiating with into a position of Domming or Topping you without that person ever agreeing to do so!

(By way of comparison: When female submissives approach male Doms, they don’t start off by saying what they really want is to be forced to suck the Dom’s cock. Even if that’s exactly what they are hoping for!) And walking up to a Woman you’ve never met who is hotly dressed in leather at a party and asking Her if you can lick Her boots is even more crass.

If sexual activity is you want, it is much classier to let the Top/Dom suggest activity involving the genitals rather than leaping in sentence number 2 to what gets you off. It is not wrong to want such things; but Females are so besieged by males whose second sentence is what is going to get them off sexually that you can distinguish yourself greatly by realizing that direct genital stimulation or visibility would be up to
the Top/Dom in any actual scene.

It’s kind of a foregone conclusion that most males, vanilla or BDSM, will not turn down sexual activity from a Female they are attracted to. If you are the rare person who does not hope for direct sexual activity to be part of your play, you will in fact get a lot of points from volunteering that information!

One of the most hotly desired types of male submissives are those who will actually do service, like clean the house, without making it obvious that they are really just tolerating cleaning the house until they can get home and jack off. A male submissive who sincerely enjoys the submission of doing the services the Domina wants is more likely to entice his Mistress into doing something to gratify him, whether that
gratification is in the form of punishment or reward!

You can’t and shouldn’t try to make yourself into this kind of person if that’s not what gets you off. But if it is what you are looking for, you will find partners soon enough. And if you are the more common variety of male who is daydreaming about the sexual part, try to calm down until you get to sentence 20 or so. : ) Or better still, until the Domina asks about it!

Second, many male submissives assume that any Domina they meet is going to be into hearing whatever their particular fetish is, and will want to get right to the point of telling Her what it is – Now. But there is a matching process involved in finding a partner for any relationship, vanilla or BDSM; and that takes time whether you are male or Female.

If you want to find a BDSM relationship, step one is to be respectful, courteous, and educated. Step two is to talk or meet in-person and see if Y/you have a connection; if Y/you get along – have common values and desires.

Slow down, be patient, and remember how long it takes to find a vanilla relationship. It will take even longer in BDSM if only because fewer people do it, and an even a smaller percentage of those who do it are “out” enough to make themselves easily found. And finally, because the matching process is more involved in BDSM, with so many different variants of what people enjoy.

So be yourself, look for connection first, don’t give up for six months or a year or even more. you will have mismatches, disappointments, and failures, but keep trying and something even better will eventually show up. Know that you will learn something of value from everyone you engage with – even if it isn’t a lasting relationship. That’s the way most relationships in your life happen; and BDSM is no
different.